August 26, 2017 § Leave a comment
The good news… is you came a long way,
the bad news… is you went the wrong way
When we find ourselves traveling in the wrong direction, we have two choices: We can either curse life for our unfortunate circumstances, or we can give a hats-off to its great wisdom. We can see this road of life as cruel and unfeeling, or as the provider of gas refills to help us eventually get to the right destination. Nasty adversary or benevolent friend—we decide which we choose to believe —but either way, life always gives us the option to make a U turn and change course if we find we’ve gone in the wrong direction.
But for most of us, the road headed in the wrong direction has much invested in it. We planned it. We worked for it. We envisioned how it was going to be when we got there. And all along, we were mindlessly driving to a place we never believed was the wrong destination. But it was.
I don’t know if it takes character or courage, humility or humor, but when some people recognize that they went the wrong way, they simply make a U turn and change course. They’re not always sure exactly where they will be going, but they’re certain they should not be where they are. With a bit of grace, and perhaps a chuckle to replace the natural churlish rage, they seek once again to find a joyous destination.
There is a calm to it all, mixed with the positive excitement of possibility. They do not know where they are going, do not know where to exit when they turn back, but they do know they’ve gone in the wrong direction and landed in the wrong place. And in spite of the time they may have wasted traveling toward the wrong destination, to paraphrase Harry Chapin, they know that anywhere is a better place to be.
Therein lies the possibility of happiness—to make the mistake and not beat oneself up for it. Happiness can be found despite the wrong choice by graciously admitting the mistake, and trying again somewhere else, at a later time. Happiness is found by deciding not to spend more time sitting in the wrong spot, when we realize we’ve just gone the wrong way.
Many years ago, before GPS existed, I was driving to Monterey, California and wound up in San Francisco, some two hours away. Realizing I was lost, I stopped at a hotel to get a sense of how to get to the right place. The concierge said, “Make a U-turn and take Highway 1 back down. It’s so much better than the crowded freeway. It’s the most beautiful road you’ve ever travelled, and it takes you right into Monterrey. Just stay on the road, and eventually you’ll get there.”
And that is what I did—quite by accident, I travelled the most beautiful road I’d ever seen to Monterey; by way of an error and some lost time, I got to Monterey refreshed and energized. I will never forget that road, or that day. There is no way to explain what happened or why, but on Highway 1, I connected into something inexplicable; into awe, and into something so much greater than what I had known. There’s no way to forget the cliffs or the sunshine reflecting off the water, no way to disconnect from the serenity. Some days I think God was talking to me that day. On others, I think it was just a serendipitous encounter with beauty that reminded me why I was here and that there was much left to do. But regardless of what it was, in a glorious testament to life’s strange ways, I found a great moment in my life by simply going the wrong way.
I wish that I would remember that blunder whenever I make others, but most times, I don’t—I sit and complain at the wrong exit instead. I keep moaning about the time I’ve wasted and all the things I could have done had I not gone the wrong way.
It’s a choice. Get churlish and argumentative, resentful and irate, or make a U-turn and hope for the possibility of wonders. Because if you’re lucky, you just might find that it’s much better going the wrong way to Monterey.
July 13, 2016 § 2 Comments
I’ve spent my days roaming the country. In 58 years, I’ve lived in 7 states and 8 different cities. My friend John once joked that my family has moved more frequently than people in the witness protection program. I’ve left behind a host of friends and family, and have become disconnected from many of the everyday sights and sounds that were mainstays of places where I once lived. Over the years, I’ve become a master of letting go of one place and moving on to another. I’ve also learned some things along the way.
I’ve learned that whenever life circumstances change, it’s important to get back to your center, figure out who you are in that moment, and simply extend a welcoming hand to the new and unknown. To be honest, I’ve not liked much of it. I always found that it took a lot out of me to start over. But there was always an excitement that came along with all the challenges; a sense of learning something new, of figuring out new places, and of entering into a mysterious void that other people called home. Sometimes the void became my home as well, but at other times it remained a void up until the day I left. Even in the void, however, my life was never dull. There was always the exhilaration of knowing that I might move on, followed by the inevitable hunt for the next place. I imagine it must be similar to the excitement of parachuting out of an airplane, scanning the panorama below and knowing you will land somewhere—even if you don’t know where. I’ve always felt as if I were dangling in the air. Much like a parachutist who has just free-fallen from the safety of his plane, I tried to steer myself toward the right place each time; even when something told me that the winds were more powerful than I was… and that I would ultimately land wherever I needed to.
But even after all these years, I still don’t understand change—and I’ve long decided to accept it. The life of a virtual vagabond has always left me relegated to saying, “that’s just the way it is.” I’ve had an ongoing tendency to stay, but at the same time, a willingness to leave. I eventually decided to move each time I was pointed that way; accommodating my soul to the change because I knew I could always move on once more. I found freedom in that thought, and serenity in the possibility.
Being a vagabond has made for loneliness and friendship, for losing and gaining, for tears and sleepless nights, for wonderful things I would never have imagined, and for experiences I wish I’d never had. It’s been a mixture of all things; of dark and light reimagined on different stages, and in different climates. My life isn’t much different from anyone else’s, except that mine has been lived within shifting scaffolds; always twisting in a different wind.
This is the way that my life has gone, and as I get older I sometimes wonder what might have materialized if I had stayed in one place or another. What would have happened if I had simply taken off my walking shoes, put my feet on the coffee table—and stayed? That is something I will never know.
But that thought never stays with me for long. Because something at the core of my being tells me that this vagabond life, with all of its twists, turns, surprises, and uncertainty, is precisely the one I was meant to live.
June 21, 2016 § 2 Comments
Like most people, I’ve grown sadly accustomed to the horrors of the daily news, the sight of voracious rage that pits people against one another, and the sound of a most unruly world continually exploding. Each day, the images of mankind at its cruelest make me grow increasing weary. It’s a sobering spectacle that could make even the most religious person question God, and could afford most atheists a convincing argument for their beliefs.
It hurts to watch.
There are unimaginable cruelties perpetrated on children, on animals, and on those who have done nothing more than seek the same joy that each of us so badly desires. There are things that I wish I never knew existed, actions I wish I never knew were possible, and feelings I wish no human being would ever have to feel.
It hurts me to learn about them.
And so, I spent too many of my days drowning in the sea of things I never wished to know or to see. For much too long, they preoccupied my thoughts and overwhelmed me. Until the day finally came when I understood: these seas also harbored miracles; ones I had simply chosen to ignore. Until then, my focus had been only on the seas of misery, for I had developed a blindness for all of the wonderful things in life.
I had become blinded to the joy in people’s smiles, and had deemed the wagging tail of a dog irrelevant. I had been sightless as the sun rose, and the smallest of seeds grew into beautiful and fragrant flowers. And because it hurt so much to watch all the misery, I had begun to shut my emotions off like a spigot; to cauterize the nerve endings in my mind, and seal my soul off from the practice of living.
But blocking everything to avoid the horrors of life is no way to live. This is because to do this eliminates all things, even the good ones. Long ago, I once heard Leo Buscaglia say, “I’d rather feel pain than feel nothing.” I did not understand him at the time, but I do now. I understand that in avoiding pain, we often block out everything good in the process. Our fear of pain effectively dulls our experience of life, causing us to miss out on all the beautiful things that the news never talks about. In fearing the waves of everyday life, we often fail to see that in every moment of every day, somewhere in the word, the seas part. In every moment, much of what is most simple is most miraculous. In every moment, we’re sailing on oceans where wonders are not just the exception; they are the rule.
I now understand that painful, ugly things are the price of admission for this ability to see miracles, because the experience of awe comes with a price tag: the responsibility to see the world as it really is, not just with its abundant grace and beauty, but with all of its imperfections too.
Every now and then, I look out of my window after watching the nightly news and hearing the ugliness of the day. I see the Rockies in the distance, and the incredibly beautiful sunset. I think about the times that I’ve stood at the top of Pike’s Peak, with the wind blowing in my face and the breathtaking panorama all about me. I think about the snow-capped mountains I am blessed to look at regularly, and I remember standing on the beach at sunrise in the Outer Banks of North Carolina nearly 20 years ago. I recall the words I heard in the wind that came off of the ocean that day: “What has created this will no doubt take care of you.” Even with the news blaring in the background, on the days when I think of this, I can’t help but smile.
No, I will never fully accept the horrors of this world. Rest assured, I have no great affinity for the pain. But what I’ve finally come to realize is that I love the gain. That’s why I’m willing to pay the price of admission.
March 23, 2015 § 3 Comments
I used to live a few blocks from a very old cemetery that I passed on my way to work. The headstones were worn down so much that the dates were hardly visible, and in many cases, the names were hard to discern. I often wondered who these people once were, as with the passage of time, nothing but a headstone now remained as a reminder that they ever had been here. We know nothing about them– who they loved, what they did, what their challenges were, what made them laugh or cry. We know nothing of those who cried at their graves and in whose hearts their memory remained. They, too, are long gone now.
This realization left me wondering about our legacy as human beings. While difficult to confront, we will one day all be in the same position. But even more critically, one day in the distant future, the country we live in will also cease to exist. When this happens, eventually even the lives of those we revere in our history books will be forgotten. One day, the planet on which we live will be gone. And on that day, there will be no trace that the human race ever was here. There will be no one left to remember any one of us. The old cemetery reminded me that our existence, as well as its memory, no matter how famous we may have been at one time, is always temporary. Yet we hear many eulogies describing the deceased as someone who will be remembered forever. While this is undeniably a very nice thought, a salve for the souls of the survivors, it is also undeniably false. The truth is that given enough time, a day will inevitably come when no one will remember any of us.
Not surprisingly, this was a very depressing thought at first! But as I considered it more carefully, it actually became the most life-affirming thought I had ever had. If nothing lasted, if even the most wealthy and famous people revered by our society are eventually forgotten with the loss of our history, then what is this life really about? There is no doubt in my mind that what it’s about is now. It’s about this very moment, and whatever miracle it brings. And no doubt, there are many of these miracles that happen to all of us in the course of our lives.
In the Japanese movie, After Life, the deceased are able to take only a single memory into eternity with them. One memory. I wondered what those people buried at the old cemetery would have chosen. I wondered what lovely story they would want to remember for all eternity, regardless of whether anyone else knew or cared about it. I wondered which of their precious moments they would want to relive again and again.
I thought about it myself for a bit–for me, the memory is the first time I saw my wife.
Whatever you decide, asking yourself which single memory you would choose is undoubtedly a great exercise. It takes you through the reels of your memory, and ultimately fills you with gratitude. In the process, you will note that the options are many, and the final choice is difficult. It’s a wonderful realization; a small walk through all of the priceless things in your life that money simply cannot buy. Best of all, it provides you with valuable practice at the essential skill of noticing everything that you have not been experiencing fully.
It’s a reminder to start paying attention— because you’ve already missed too much.
November 15, 2014 § 5 Comments
When my brother-in-law’s father died a few years ago, I traveled with my wife from Philadelphia to the town where I spent the first 22 years of my life, Flushing, New York, to attend his wake. We arrived early, and the funeral home was still closed, so I decided to take my wife for a drive to see two houses I had lived in as a child.
I hadn’t seen the outside of those houses in 40 years, and was immediately struck by the memories that flooded me. The streets didn’t look as they did when I was young. As expected, the trees had grown much larger, but there had been other changes too. Many of the houses I recalled in those neighborhoods had completely disappeared, while others had aged almost beyond recognition. Both of the houses that I had lived in as a child appeared even uglier than I remembered. Flushing was never a lovely town, and even after all these years, the place had not failed to disappoint me.
Returning to my old neighborhood reminded me of an old Twilight Zone episode called Walking Distance, where a man travels back in time to the town where he grew up, and meets his 11 year old self. He is given the opportunity to see himself having a wonderful time, enjoying one of the many carefree summers of his youth. There, he meets his father, who reminds him that he’s already had his chance to be young. His father warns him that he cannot stay there, remaining lost in the past. Because he longs to be a carefree child again, so he asks his father why. “I guess,” his father tells him, “because we only get one chance. Maybe there’s only one summer to every customer.”
My experience of returning to the past was eerily similar that day, except that my childhood was very different. When I was a child, I never had that kind of summer.
In my childhood, I never experienced carefree days at the park or weeks away at camp. I don’t remember playing with friends outside in the warm weather, or spending lazy days at the ballpark. I cannot remember a single pleasant summer; not with the simple, safe kind of summer days that every kid should have. It simply never happened. It’s not that it was a bad childhood; it was just not a good one.
Still, even as I recalled the overcast days of my youth, I realized something wonderful: I have been blessed with an endless number of those lovely summer days ever since leaving my hometown. I have known many warm, sunny days, and the freedom of doing what I truly wanted to do. I have known how it feels to smile and laugh, to feel safe, and to eat an ice cream cone in the sun. There have been so many wonderful friends to enjoy, so many baseball games to watch, and the kind of days that have made me feel lucky. I have come to know and appreciate the simplicity of doing nothing but look at the sunset. Summer days like these have surprised me on the coldest of February mornings, the most temperate days of April, and the hottest days of August. I have experienced them in different cities, in different countries, and with different people. My childhood summer days never came in three-month increments, but since leaving home, I’ve undoubtedly had more than my childhood share. And on that day in my old hometown, I realized that my life had somehow found its summer.
I cannot tell you why I have been so fortunate. Maybe the Universe chose to compensate me because I never got to have my carefree, youthful summer. Maybe because the world loves balance, the equation that is my life simply had to catch up. Maybe I’ve been rewarded for working so hard to change my life. Maybe it’s just been plain, dumb luck. I can only tell you that in going back home, I realized that it’s best never to think that the worst of today will be the framework of your tomorrow. It reminded me that it’s best never to give up hope.
And after revisiting my yesterdays, we attended the wake, tried to comfort my brother-in-law, and said our goodbyes. As we headed back toward the highway, I looked back, once again, at the streets I used to walk as a child. I saw new stores that I had never seen before, kids I had never met walking out of the high school, and houses that had not existed when I lived there all those years ago. The hometown of my memory did not exist anymore. New people lived there now, and they were having great summers. On the streets where I lived, children were playing stickball and having fun. It made me smile to see them living in a happy Flushing, not the city without summers that I knew in my childhood. I wished them well as I drove away.
As for me, I knew I would never come back again. I was going to places where another summer day awaited me.
March 29, 2014 § 5 Comments
This past summer, I moved from my home in suburban Philadelphia to a new home and job in Denver, Colorado. The new job was an opportunity of a lifetime; a chance to work at a wonderful institution, to focus exclusively on work I love to do, and to live in a place that everyone seems to rave about. And so it was that I made the move, looking forward to the new opportunities that awaited me.
But about two weeks before leaving, all of this wondrous possibility became tempered by something quite different: the realization that I was leaving friends that I loved behind. When I moved to Pennsylvania in 2004, I didn’t know any of these people. One by one, they came into my life, and one by one, each became so pivotal to my life that I could not remember a time when I did not know them.
I was with them through laughter and fun, and to share a drink now and then to help smooth life’s occasional ruts or to celebrate its many joys. I was with some through their cancer diagnoses & treatments, and others through the loss of their parents. I was with some as they struggled with a child’s addiction, and others as they faced marital problems, divorce, mental health challenges, and alcoholism. And they were there for me, every single one of them, whenever I needed a friend.
One by one, I had to say goodbye to them. I watched my friends well up with emotion. I cried with them, and realized the true depth of our pain and loss. I tried to comfort myself in any way I could. I was reminded of Richard Bach’s line from Illusions: “Don’t be dismayed by good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.” I reminded myself that the Universe is a friendly place that would never allow bonds like ours to know the pain of permanent separation. The history that affection creates has certainly etched our connection into eternity. I know that we will continue to find each other, again and again.
But above all, it was a single thought that carried me—a singular understanding that allowed me to leave Philadelphia feeling not only sad, but heartened as well. I realized how incredibly lucky we all were to have been given this opportunity to feel the pain of our separation. I further realized how incredibly lucky we were to be blessed with relationships surrounded by such love that it now made our distance painful. I realized how wonderful this bittersweet pain really was, because it signaled an equally great and rare affection.
And with that thought, I sat and cried. Not because I was sad, but because I was grateful.
September 16, 2012 § 6 Comments
Artists have long understood the essential elements of life with seemingly greater ease than the rest of us. This is what gives them the ability to teach us so much about what brings us happiness. I have often watched a movie and thought, “yes, I get it now.” Whether it’s the meaning of commitment depicted in The Notebook, the inexplicable selflessness depicted in the final scene of Casablanca, or the meaning found in helping others depicted in Schindler’s List, movies have always taught me something about what real happiness is about.
Perhaps none more so than the film Cinema Paradiso, which tells the story of a little boy who loves the movies, and his relationship with the projectionist of the local theater who becomes a father figure to him. The theater is located in a small, conservative Sicilian town, where the church has mandated that the projectionist cut all of the love scenes the movies that are shown there. Many years pass, and the little boy becomes an adult, who moves to America and becomes a well-known film director. He achieves great financial success, yet he struggles with matters of the heart. He eventually receives news that his old friend, the projectionist, has died, and he returns to his village in Sicily to attend the funeral. He learns that the old man has left something for him: a single reel of film, with no title. In the final scene of the movie, we see the director sitting alone in a screening room to watch the reel that his friend has left him. What appears on the screen before him are all of those lost love scenes that had been cut from the movies all of those years ago, one after another. His friend has left him a beautiful collection of scenes filled with passion, love, kisses, and affection. We see the director crying with powerful emotion as he watches these scenes unfold, but we also see him smiling through his tears at this priceless gift of love.
Do you want to be truly happy? Don’t wait to watch the reel of love that’s been given to you. Watch it now, and every single day! Replay each and every joyful moment, relive each embrace, and remember every sign of affection. Do this while you are working, before you go to sleep, and when you wake up. Remember to feel gratitude for all of the people who played a role, and always remember to thank them.
Most importantly, remember to leave a lovely reel of film each day for others as well—a reel of love that no one can ever take away. They will forget their birthday presents. They will forget what was under the Christmas tree. But the reel of love is never forgotten. The memories are replayed in ones mind and they become a warm blanket on a cold night. Each day, resolve to leave behind a wonderful scene for someone– a loving moment for them to replay.
When you live this way, you will experience joy you have never known.